Therapy

I've been in therapy for about a year and a half now. This post is inspired from a post of Process's in which she talks about therapy.

Therapy has been a struggle for me. I have some very well hidden, very concealed, learning issues that I struggle with. One thing that I have problems with because of these learning issues is figuring out how to start a project, how to organize it and how to follow through as well as a lot of difficulty with visuospatial skills. It's not a traditional learning disability like dyslexia, but it has a lot of the characteristics of ADD and NVLD. I'm actually getting retested tomorrow to elucidate more of what's going on. But these issues made therapy difficult for me because unless I have been explicitly told how something is supposed to happen or what I'm supposed to do, I falter.

So in therapy, the first time I went in college, I didn't know what to do, so I didn't get a lot out of it. My therapist was very good, she was able to get me to talk a little bit, but without my knowing what to do, it mostly provided me with some support and structure. I was struggling with a depression and she helped me with some very basic plans and needs. Two years ago I had a bad breakup from a tough relationship that shook me to the core. I started therapy. I knew the therapist I had was going to be right for me when I asked her what her philosophy was and she said that she was known at the Happy LGBTA Health Center I go to as the "Gentlest Therapist."

Therapy was painful. Not because of what we were talking about, which was painful too, but because I had no road map. I needed guidance. Being part of the queer community, all my friends are in or have been in therapy. I think it's a prerequisite before you get your Q Card. So I asked my friends about what they talked about and how they get started. It didn't really help me though. I guess I just needed a lot of practice. One point I should add though is that I don't trust easily. About a year into therapy, one day I woke up and the thought crossed my mind maybe I can trust her. Since then therapy has been even more productive.

I'm glad I stuck it out through the painful sessions in the beginning where I'd have so much bottled up and not be able to mention any of it to her. I am glad that I had the economic resources, even though it was almost entirely student loans, that allowed me to see her for the whole year and beyond. I can't imagine only having 8 sessions. I don't go every week, but it probably took me 30+ sessions to decide that I can trust her. Was I getting something out of therapy that whole first year? Yes. But there's a difference. Now therapy is easier. I am able to focus on what I want to and not have to struggle so much with how to do it.