Good Friday

I've started going to a United Church of Christ near me. My criteria for a place of worship was that it must be actively gay friendly (not just tolerant), feminist, and not too centered around Jesus. This is the best I've found so far. I tried a UU church near me for a while, but I couldn't get around the lack of a God as the centerpiece. It felt weird/off. I often don't know if I believe in God, I think I'm more of an atheist/agnostic, but I still find comfort and insight from participating.

Growing up, I was raised Quaker. At my heart, I am Quaker. All the Quaker values and beliefs resonate strongly with me. But, the mode of worship does not. Part of me hopes that in later years I will be able to gain more from going to meeting, but right now it does not work.

The UCC church I am currently attending is mostly good; the congregation is incredibly friendly, the minister is funny and engaging and she makes me think. Looking around in the congregation I see young and old people, lots of babies, same and opposite sex couples, it feels right. But the emphasis on Jesus is still a little too strong for me. I'm hoping that that is partly because it has been Lent and now Easter.

The Good Friday Service was dramatic and moving. But still at the end of it I come down to my constant question. How can there be a good God who demands/requires/allows a crucifixation of his son in order for us to be saved? (Let's leave aside the matter that I don't believe in Heaven or Hell, salvation or damnation). I wonder, is it something that one must have grown up with to fully accept?

At times I don't even know what I get out of going to church. I don't identify as a Christian, although I am culturally. Part of it for me is the fact that I am constantly striving in my life to "do right." To make the right decision, to act properly, to think of others before myself. Trying to keep everything together feels overwhelming often. The idea that we cannot act right all the time, that we all fall short, that we are all together in this, is comforting. Being in a social community where a relatively diverse set of people come together every week makes me feel part of something larger than myself. And for now, I guess that is sufficient.