Rules for Patients

Say you are in the hospital and recovering from surgery. Here are some general rules that will make everybody much happier if you follow them.

1. Don't flirt with the nurses and patient care assistants unless you are exactly our age, the attraction is reciprocated (and let me tell you, you don't smell too good and there's nothing attractive about a Foley) and we start it. Or you can be severely demented and then we don't mind. Otherwise, the last thing we want to do in hour 10 of a 12 hour shift is to have to start setting real clear boundaries. See your idea of flirtation, is our idea of not fun cause we still have to deal with you. And it's best if we just don't go there.

2. Your nurse is not your maid. If you brought six bags to the hospital, no I will not pack and repack and find things for you. Your family and friends can and I will look for occasional items as necessary, but that's all I can do, I'm sorry. What should you bring to the hospital?

Reading material and music if you like it. Pen and paper if you want to write. Your wallet, cell phone.

You probably don't want to wear your clothes in bed. 90% of the time, they will get bloodied, shit stained, sweated through, urine soaked, or some other nastiness on them. There's a reason you are here. If you are not doing any of the above, you are probably almost ready to go home. If you want to wear it, go for it, but don't say I didn't warn you. And your clothes can't go in our laundry, so whatever it is dirty with, it is going to fester.

Your own robe is a wonderful idea for walks. And yes we do have robes here so you don't need to worry about showing the world your backside and if you are really lucky, we even have pajama pants. Bring underwear for once some of the tubes come out; we have some disposable mesh ones, but really, it's quite funny looking. Otherwise, a change of clothes for going home. That's it. We have soap and toothpaste and toothbrushes and socks and shampoo.

3. We are not your waiter or waitress. If you didn't get enough sugar with your meal, then that does not mean that you should start calling at me for more sugar while I am trying to take your roommate for a walk. Ring your call bell. Call the PCA and he/she will get it when they are done with vital signs. See when I work as a walker, like today, I have 22 step-down ICU patients to walk with; each needs at least three walks a day to prevent pneumonia with the types of surgery we do. While I am trying to disentangle the wires and tubes, the last thing you want me to do is to be distracted by your calling me frantically and for me to trip and break your roommate's arterial line. Then I will be so busy that you will NEVER get that sugar.