Last night, I went to see the play Confessions of a Mormon Boy. It is a one man show and the performer is also the author of the play; it is autobiographical. He describes his agonizing attempts for him to turn himself straight, the 'help' that he got from the Mormon Church, their referral to ex-gay therapists and help paying for them. He got married, having told his fiancee that he was struggling with homosexuality. Eventually his ability to 'remain straight' failed, he was excommunicated from the church, moved to NYC, became an escort (ie., prostitute), got involved with drugs, and eventually got clean of it all. The performance was phenomenal. Riveting the entire time. I think I can say that it was one of the best performances I've seen this year (I love student rush, when I have the time, I see as many plays as I can.)
I kept thinking the entire time about how much individual pain the Mormon Church and other conservative churches have caused. The amount of individual anguish that the belief that "homosexual acts are an abomination" has caused is overwhelming. When you are connected and have grown up within your church, synagogue, mosque, meeting, place of worship, and it is your entire life, having to reject it is heartbreaking. Thank God I grew up Quaker.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Another interview
This one is at a rehab hospital 20-40 minutes away from my house. No interview is set up yet, but I interviewed on the phone with human resources and she is getting some times and dates from the nurse manager. Cross your fingers. I'd really like the pediatric one I just wrote about, but they are hoping to find someone who can stay on fulltime. But there's a chance that they won't be able to, so then they would hire a few of us on part-time for the school year.
The rehab hospital sounds interesting. Three of their units I am interested in: cardiac rehab, spinal cord injury and brain injury. I think the SCI unit would be the toughest because the patients would be the youngest. This hospital pays $7-$9 differential for evenings, which is nice too. So cross your fingers that I get an interview before I leave for Kazakhstan.
The rehab hospital sounds interesting. Three of their units I am interested in: cardiac rehab, spinal cord injury and brain injury. I think the SCI unit would be the toughest because the patients would be the youngest. This hospital pays $7-$9 differential for evenings, which is nice too. So cross your fingers that I get an interview before I leave for Kazakhstan.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Residential setting
Today I applied for a job at a residential crisis assessment, stabilization and treatment center for kids with serious emotional disturbances (ie., predominantly foster care and former foster care kids). The director, in my interview emphasized that the rewards are sometimes hard to see because the acuity level is so high and the kids are very disturbed from the physical, sexual and emotional abuse and neglect that they have undergone. She said that they have some children who are at the center whose parents were also treated here when they were children. Talk about a cycle that hasn't been broken.
Friendship dynamics
I had a friend who was a very good study buddy of mine. We dated briefly, it didn't work, and we returned to being friends. We were good study buddies and then the dynamics got weird. I found myself being uncomfortable in our conversations and get togethers, but I wouldn't be able to pinpoint why. I just knew that I was feeling uncomfortable about it. After a while, I realized that I was feeling bullied. Part of the problem is that it is lot of small interactions. If I think enough, I can pinpoint it, but when you talk about it, it often seems like trivial encounters.
For example, I was trying to figure out how I would work up an ALTE (acute life threatening event) in an infant. With an ALTE, an infant may while feeding or at some other time, suddenly turn blue, have trouble breathing, go limp, but with stimulation, promptly revives. In our conversation, he starts talking about what follow up he would do. I try to redirect to what we would do as our initial evaluation. But he keep talking about what we'd do as follow up. I get frustrated and say, can we talk about follow up after we've talked about the initial workup? He follows up with "I think you are just being too strict in your definition of follow up," rather than just saying "actually by follow up, I mean follow up to the ALTE not follow up after the initial visit."
It's those small types of interactions that make you feel silly if you pursue them. It's the overly intense reaction and adding in the attack, rather than just assuming that I wasn't following him, he assumes that I am being purposefully dense. It sounds so silly now as I try to write about it. But I do know that I am not comfortable around him now and I need to remember that and not make plans to get together and study. It's hard to accept that things are different.
For example, I was trying to figure out how I would work up an ALTE (acute life threatening event) in an infant. With an ALTE, an infant may while feeding or at some other time, suddenly turn blue, have trouble breathing, go limp, but with stimulation, promptly revives. In our conversation, he starts talking about what follow up he would do. I try to redirect to what we would do as our initial evaluation. But he keep talking about what we'd do as follow up. I get frustrated and say, can we talk about follow up after we've talked about the initial workup? He follows up with "I think you are just being too strict in your definition of follow up," rather than just saying "actually by follow up, I mean follow up to the ALTE not follow up after the initial visit."
It's those small types of interactions that make you feel silly if you pursue them. It's the overly intense reaction and adding in the attack, rather than just assuming that I wasn't following him, he assumes that I am being purposefully dense. It sounds so silly now as I try to write about it. But I do know that I am not comfortable around him now and I need to remember that and not make plans to get together and study. It's hard to accept that things are different.
Kudos
Talking to my psychiatrist today in a checkup on the strattera prescription, he told me that I shouldn't stop at an RN, but should become a nurse practitioner. I reminded him that that was my plan and he laughed, remembered, and asked if I was doing psych because he thought I'd be good at it. I told him no, I'm doing family and we talked a bit about it.
I'd thought a while about doing psych. For a time, I thought I might want to be a therapist. Finally I decided that I didn't because while I "get" a lot of things, I have trouble really getting some big issues that people come to therapy for. The judgemental side of me comes out and while listening about the troubles that a friend's roommate has with agoraphobia, I hear that little niggling whisper telling me that if she were to just try hard enough, just be with the anxiety when she went outside, it would get really bad and then start to decrease. If she just did that enough times, she'd "get over it."
This whisper knows that I know nothing about proper treatment of agoraphobia or its physiological basis. This whisper is also the same whisperer that that I hear when I think about cigarette addiction, drug abuse, alcoholism, etc. The judgemental side comes out. If I have personal knowledge of the struggle, I'm fine (no whisper). If I've observed really close friends struggling with it, then I'm fine. But without it, I judge and I hate it.
I don't know if I would judge if I were sitting in the room with someone. I don't think I would. In everyday life when I interact with people, I am almost not judgemental enough, too accepting.
There were a lot of other reasons why I chose not to become a psych np, I know I would have shut down the whisperer and been ok. But I'm glad I went with family.
I'd thought a while about doing psych. For a time, I thought I might want to be a therapist. Finally I decided that I didn't because while I "get" a lot of things, I have trouble really getting some big issues that people come to therapy for. The judgemental side of me comes out and while listening about the troubles that a friend's roommate has with agoraphobia, I hear that little niggling whisper telling me that if she were to just try hard enough, just be with the anxiety when she went outside, it would get really bad and then start to decrease. If she just did that enough times, she'd "get over it."
This whisper knows that I know nothing about proper treatment of agoraphobia or its physiological basis. This whisper is also the same whisperer that that I hear when I think about cigarette addiction, drug abuse, alcoholism, etc. The judgemental side comes out. If I have personal knowledge of the struggle, I'm fine (no whisper). If I've observed really close friends struggling with it, then I'm fine. But without it, I judge and I hate it.
I don't know if I would judge if I were sitting in the room with someone. I don't think I would. In everyday life when I interact with people, I am almost not judgemental enough, too accepting.
There were a lot of other reasons why I chose not to become a psych np, I know I would have shut down the whisperer and been ok. But I'm glad I went with family.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Painful
But I still find myself hurt by it. As we've gotten closer and I've become interested, I do find myself hurt that it is not a real possibility. Please don't flirt with me if it's not, I need help to maintain appropriate friendship boundaries too.
I'm out, fully out
As Process pointed out, once you miss the chance to out yourself early in a relationship (platonic or romantic) with someone, it becomes more and more difficult to come out again. So with that in mind, I recently outed myself to M. We were talking about experiences having friends that we've had sexual chemistry with. I may lie by ommision, I won't lie by commision. So in my response, I acknowledged that the person I was talking about was a woman.
It was nice and we talked a bit about it. Later in the week we were out walking and I ended up mentioning the ADD (which I normally don't share with people who are or are potential work peers) and he asked me if I take meds for it, which I acknowledged I do. It's hard for me to be out to someone w/o ADD as an adult with it. Most of my friends have it; we do attract each other. But for those who don't, there is a serious lack of understanding. When I acknowledge that I take medication for it, I still feel some transient shame.
We keep spending large chunks of time together. I'm a little nervous because it is beginning to get the flavor of a potential relationship and I'm finding my feelings changing from brotherly/friendship to friendship/potential partner.
This isn't good for a couple different reasons. Reason #1: he's acknowledged having a pattern of sleeping with his female friends and having that mess up their friendship and of having a lot of unprotected sex in the past. To remedy this, he's cut back on his drinking a lot, started therapy (for reasons broader than this), and explicitly told me about this because he doesn't want to mess up our friendship.
Reason #2: He's two months post a breakup from a year long relationship. That one stands by itself.
Reason #3: He says that he has a habit of supporting a close friend or significant other emotionally for a long time and not getting his needs met and then he disappears suddenly and hurts them.
So he is not a good dating partner right now. But when there is that connection, I am so hesitant to let it go. There are so few guys who I really like and who are emotionally open. I am still averse to dating women right now (baggage) and now that I am becoming interested in him, I hate to lose it. All my friends are in relationships right now and it is really hard to be the only one that is not. Plus, we'd have really cute red headed children.
It was nice and we talked a bit about it. Later in the week we were out walking and I ended up mentioning the ADD (which I normally don't share with people who are or are potential work peers) and he asked me if I take meds for it, which I acknowledged I do. It's hard for me to be out to someone w/o ADD as an adult with it. Most of my friends have it; we do attract each other. But for those who don't, there is a serious lack of understanding. When I acknowledge that I take medication for it, I still feel some transient shame.
We keep spending large chunks of time together. I'm a little nervous because it is beginning to get the flavor of a potential relationship and I'm finding my feelings changing from brotherly/friendship to friendship/potential partner.
This isn't good for a couple different reasons. Reason #1: he's acknowledged having a pattern of sleeping with his female friends and having that mess up their friendship and of having a lot of unprotected sex in the past. To remedy this, he's cut back on his drinking a lot, started therapy (for reasons broader than this), and explicitly told me about this because he doesn't want to mess up our friendship.
Reason #2: He's two months post a breakup from a year long relationship. That one stands by itself.
Reason #3: He says that he has a habit of supporting a close friend or significant other emotionally for a long time and not getting his needs met and then he disappears suddenly and hurts them.
So he is not a good dating partner right now. But when there is that connection, I am so hesitant to let it go. There are so few guys who I really like and who are emotionally open. I am still averse to dating women right now (baggage) and now that I am becoming interested in him, I hate to lose it. All my friends are in relationships right now and it is really hard to be the only one that is not. Plus, we'd have really cute red headed children.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
