Friendship dynamics

I had a friend who was a very good study buddy of mine. We dated briefly, it didn't work, and we returned to being friends. We were good study buddies and then the dynamics got weird. I found myself being uncomfortable in our conversations and get togethers, but I wouldn't be able to pinpoint why. I just knew that I was feeling uncomfortable about it. After a while, I realized that I was feeling bullied. Part of the problem is that it is lot of small interactions. If I think enough, I can pinpoint it, but when you talk about it, it often seems like trivial encounters.

For example, I was trying to figure out how I would work up an ALTE (acute life threatening event) in an infant. With an ALTE, an infant may while feeding or at some other time, suddenly turn blue, have trouble breathing, go limp, but with stimulation, promptly revives. In our conversation, he starts talking about what follow up he would do. I try to redirect to what we would do as our initial evaluation. But he keep talking about what we'd do as follow up. I get frustrated and say, can we talk about follow up after we've talked about the initial workup? He follows up with "I think you are just being too strict in your definition of follow up," rather than just saying "actually by follow up, I mean follow up to the ALTE not follow up after the initial visit."

It's those small types of interactions that make you feel silly if you pursue them. It's the overly intense reaction and adding in the attack, rather than just assuming that I wasn't following him, he assumes that I am being purposefully dense. It sounds so silly now as I try to write about it. But I do know that I am not comfortable around him now and I need to remember that and not make plans to get together and study. It's hard to accept that things are different.

I'm out, fully out

As Process pointed out, once you miss the chance to out yourself early in a relationship (platonic or romantic) with someone, it becomes more and more difficult to come out again. So with that in mind, I recently outed myself to M. We were talking about experiences having friends that we've had sexual chemistry with. I may lie by ommision, I won't lie by commision. So in my response, I acknowledged that the person I was talking about was a woman.

It was nice and we talked a bit about it. Later in the week we were out walking and I ended up mentioning the ADD (which I normally don't share with people who are or are potential work peers) and he asked me if I take meds for it, which I acknowledged I do. It's hard for me to be out to someone w/o ADD as an adult with it. Most of my friends have it; we do attract each other. But for those who don't, there is a serious lack of understanding. When I acknowledge that I take medication for it, I still feel some transient shame.

We keep spending large chunks of time together. I'm a little nervous because it is beginning to get the flavor of a potential relationship and I'm finding my feelings changing from brotherly/friendship to friendship/potential partner.

This isn't good for a couple different reasons. Reason #1: he's acknowledged having a pattern of sleeping with his female friends and having that mess up their friendship and of having a lot of unprotected sex in the past. To remedy this, he's cut back on his drinking a lot, started therapy (for reasons broader than this), and explicitly told me about this because he doesn't want to mess up our friendship.

Reason #2: He's two months post a breakup from a year long relationship. That one stands by itself.

Reason #3: He says that he has a habit of supporting a close friend or significant other emotionally for a long time and not getting his needs met and then he disappears suddenly and hurts them.

So he is not a good dating partner right now. But when there is that connection, I am so hesitant to let it go. There are so few guys who I really like and who are emotionally open. I am still averse to dating women right now (baggage) and now that I am becoming interested in him, I hate to lose it. All my friends are in relationships right now and it is really hard to be the only one that is not. Plus, we'd have really cute red headed children.