As Process pointed out, once you miss the chance to out yourself early in a relationship (platonic or romantic) with someone, it becomes more and more difficult to come out again. So with that in mind, I recently outed myself to M. We were talking about experiences having friends that we've had sexual chemistry with. I may lie by ommision, I won't lie by commision. So in my response, I acknowledged that the person I was talking about was a woman.
It was nice and we talked a bit about it. Later in the week we were out walking and I ended up mentioning the ADD (which I normally don't share with people who are or are potential work peers) and he asked me if I take meds for it, which I acknowledged I do. It's hard for me to be out to someone w/o ADD as an adult with it. Most of my friends have it; we do attract each other. But for those who don't, there is a serious lack of understanding. When I acknowledge that I take medication for it, I still feel some transient shame.
We keep spending large chunks of time together. I'm a little nervous because it is beginning to get the flavor of a potential relationship and I'm finding my feelings changing from brotherly/friendship to friendship/potential partner.
This isn't good for a couple different reasons. Reason #1: he's acknowledged having a pattern of sleeping with his female friends and having that mess up their friendship and of having a lot of unprotected sex in the past. To remedy this, he's cut back on his drinking a lot, started therapy (for reasons broader than this), and explicitly told me about this because he doesn't want to mess up our friendship.
Reason #2: He's two months post a breakup from a year long relationship. That one stands by itself.
Reason #3: He says that he has a habit of supporting a close friend or significant other emotionally for a long time and not getting his needs met and then he disappears suddenly and hurts them.
So he is not a good dating partner right now. But when there is that connection, I am so hesitant to let it go. There are so few guys who I really like and who are emotionally open. I am still averse to dating women right now (baggage) and now that I am becoming interested in him, I hate to lose it. All my friends are in relationships right now and it is really hard to be the only one that is not. Plus, we'd have really cute red headed children.
Showing posts with label add. Show all posts
Showing posts with label add. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Good news: ADD not NVLD
I got the final report back from the neuropsych testing. I found it pretty interesting. The results were substantially different from last time. They did find that I do still have ADD, that is consistent. But all the non-verbal test scores had gone way up. They explained that my abilities aren't as high as the test scores indicate although higher than the original scores indicated. My familiarity with testing made most of my scores go up. Also, I was moderately depressed at the time of the first testing. The areas that I was weakest in, the visuospatial abilities, became even weaker when I was depressed.
The components of the testing that indicated attentional difficulties however, I continued to have problems with. I knew that, one third of the way through the testing, Dr. B told me that she was almost positive that ADD would be a constant diagnosis. If I were NVLD, even with my testing experience and lack of current depression, I would still falter, same as I did with the attentional and planning components.
I am so happy to hear this. The research about "success" in adult life with NVLD is pretty bleak. I felt like I needed to know so that I could learn how to compensate for it.
The best advice I've gotten so far has been Dr. W's suggestion to go on Strattera rather than the stimulant medications. She says it is best for ADD without hyperactivity and also works very well in people who are weakest in non-verbal areas. I'm noticing consistently subtle changes every day. If I don't want to read anymore, if I don't want to lie in bed anymore, I can think about it, stop doing it and get up. It may sound weird, but I had immense difficulties doing so before. For 27 years, I would get into almost a trance state with books, tv, computer browsing and NOT be able to shake it even when I wanted to. It's something that I've even talked about in therapy because it was impairing my ability to manage my life and it isn't an obvious ADD sign. Lately though, I've been able to just stop, think about what I want to do and put down my book and do it. Phenomenal. I don't know why my psychiatrist had been so reluctant to try it. I'd brought it up a few times before; I really had to push it this time and emphasive the irritability that Adderal gave.
One more thing that Dr. W said was that my social skills difficulties as a kid were all ADD related. She said that because I've grown out of them in my twenties. In fact, and I want to do some research to see if this is true, Dr. W said that people with ADD mature about 30% slower than people without it. So in a lot of ways I'm like a 19 year old. Not in terms of my drinking or stupid decisions, but in terms of taking control of my life, figuring out what I want to do, social skillwise and personal empowerment. I don't really think of myself as a 19 year old, but in a lot of ways, I've only recently, in the past year or so, felt myself to be more like other people in terms of social abilities, knowing what I want to do and how to arrange my life the way I want.
The components of the testing that indicated attentional difficulties however, I continued to have problems with. I knew that, one third of the way through the testing, Dr. B told me that she was almost positive that ADD would be a constant diagnosis. If I were NVLD, even with my testing experience and lack of current depression, I would still falter, same as I did with the attentional and planning components.
I am so happy to hear this. The research about "success" in adult life with NVLD is pretty bleak. I felt like I needed to know so that I could learn how to compensate for it.
The best advice I've gotten so far has been Dr. W's suggestion to go on Strattera rather than the stimulant medications. She says it is best for ADD without hyperactivity and also works very well in people who are weakest in non-verbal areas. I'm noticing consistently subtle changes every day. If I don't want to read anymore, if I don't want to lie in bed anymore, I can think about it, stop doing it and get up. It may sound weird, but I had immense difficulties doing so before. For 27 years, I would get into almost a trance state with books, tv, computer browsing and NOT be able to shake it even when I wanted to. It's something that I've even talked about in therapy because it was impairing my ability to manage my life and it isn't an obvious ADD sign. Lately though, I've been able to just stop, think about what I want to do and put down my book and do it. Phenomenal. I don't know why my psychiatrist had been so reluctant to try it. I'd brought it up a few times before; I really had to push it this time and emphasive the irritability that Adderal gave.
One more thing that Dr. W said was that my social skills difficulties as a kid were all ADD related. She said that because I've grown out of them in my twenties. In fact, and I want to do some research to see if this is true, Dr. W said that people with ADD mature about 30% slower than people without it. So in a lot of ways I'm like a 19 year old. Not in terms of my drinking or stupid decisions, but in terms of taking control of my life, figuring out what I want to do, social skillwise and personal empowerment. I don't really think of myself as a 19 year old, but in a lot of ways, I've only recently, in the past year or so, felt myself to be more like other people in terms of social abilities, knowing what I want to do and how to arrange my life the way I want.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
It's working!
I really think the Strattera is working. Today I saw three complex patients and wrote up their notes and was done by 3:30. I could have done another patient. My patients are complex enough that my preceptor also only sees 5-7 patients a day. Even better than that, when I got home, I sat down and played online, but didn't stay glued to the computer, unable to move all night. I've made dinner too!
Monday, April 9, 2007
Strattera
This is not a product placement, I promise. I don't do those. I've just been thinking a lot about taking Strattera.
I started Strattera on Wednesday. It's a selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor and is the only non-stimulant medication approved for ADD/ADHD (other non-stimulant drugs are prescribed off label). Over the past 9 years, I have worked my way through all the different permutations of Ritalin (ritalin, metadate, concerta), Adderal and Dexedrine. None have worked particularly well for me; I'm very sensitive. For adderal, most people use 20 or 30 mg over the course of a day; I use 2.5 mg - 5 mg over a day.
All of them make it difficult for me to socialize and talk to people. I feel on edge. Adderal, which has worked the best of all of them, makes me very short tempered and irritable. Dexedrine makes me this bizarre combination of spacy and overly focused and alert. Ritalin made me overly focused and alert.
Strattera so far seems like a miracle. I can sleep and eat on it. I'm not overly irritable (yet). This morning on my way in to school, I remembered to bring in a dermatology book for a friend to look at and my check for the Nursing Honor Society. Two days ago, as I was walking through the kitchen, I stopped and put away some glasses and tidied. Small things, but things that I would never have remembered or noticed to do.
Most people start at 40 mg for a while and then go up to 80, but because I've been so sensitive to the other medications, I was hesitant to do it. We decided to start at 25 mg for 5 days and then go up to 25 mg twice a day.
The geriatric psych drug axiom is to "start low, go slow." It's an axiom that I was eager to follow for this particular drug, although I am at the other end of the age spectrum. One of my friends was on it, and it gave her terrible mood swings-- she ended up throwing things at her gf during a fight. She's now on Adderal without that problem. Other horror stories are easily available on the net, so I've been hesitant. It's also a relatively new drug. The FDA approved it at the end of 2002. I like waiting several years before I put a new medication in my body, then it has a good chance to get recalled before I take it. So it is a little early for me to take it, but I think that I have exhausted the stimulant options and I really would like to have a little extra help.
Today was the first day I took 50 mg. I'm hoping that I won't start experiencing any of the serious side effects. It makes me nervous. As I'm seeing some beneficial effects now at 25 and minimal side effects, should I really go up? I did go up, but am not sure I feel like it was a great idea. Guess I'll find out.
I started Strattera on Wednesday. It's a selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor and is the only non-stimulant medication approved for ADD/ADHD (other non-stimulant drugs are prescribed off label). Over the past 9 years, I have worked my way through all the different permutations of Ritalin (ritalin, metadate, concerta), Adderal and Dexedrine. None have worked particularly well for me; I'm very sensitive. For adderal, most people use 20 or 30 mg over the course of a day; I use 2.5 mg - 5 mg over a day.
All of them make it difficult for me to socialize and talk to people. I feel on edge. Adderal, which has worked the best of all of them, makes me very short tempered and irritable. Dexedrine makes me this bizarre combination of spacy and overly focused and alert. Ritalin made me overly focused and alert.
Strattera so far seems like a miracle. I can sleep and eat on it. I'm not overly irritable (yet). This morning on my way in to school, I remembered to bring in a dermatology book for a friend to look at and my check for the Nursing Honor Society. Two days ago, as I was walking through the kitchen, I stopped and put away some glasses and tidied. Small things, but things that I would never have remembered or noticed to do.
Most people start at 40 mg for a while and then go up to 80, but because I've been so sensitive to the other medications, I was hesitant to do it. We decided to start at 25 mg for 5 days and then go up to 25 mg twice a day.
The geriatric psych drug axiom is to "start low, go slow." It's an axiom that I was eager to follow for this particular drug, although I am at the other end of the age spectrum. One of my friends was on it, and it gave her terrible mood swings-- she ended up throwing things at her gf during a fight. She's now on Adderal without that problem. Other horror stories are easily available on the net, so I've been hesitant. It's also a relatively new drug. The FDA approved it at the end of 2002. I like waiting several years before I put a new medication in my body, then it has a good chance to get recalled before I take it. So it is a little early for me to take it, but I think that I have exhausted the stimulant options and I really would like to have a little extra help.
Today was the first day I took 50 mg. I'm hoping that I won't start experiencing any of the serious side effects. It makes me nervous. As I'm seeing some beneficial effects now at 25 and minimal side effects, should I really go up? I did go up, but am not sure I feel like it was a great idea. Guess I'll find out.
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