Cell Phones woes in the midst of a job hunt

Today I got my first call back for a possible position. Of course it happened during class when I couldn't answer and after class, my cell phone managed to break. It gave me the same error message once before and I managed to fix it, but now I think this is the end. This time it says the same error message and it won't stay on for more than 45 seconds.

I am years overdue for a new cell phone with Verizon, but now their website won't let me do it online. It is giving me a 1-800 # to call. My cell phone is my only phone, so that won't work. I sent them an e-mail to find out if that was the only option. If it is, I don't care, I'm switching services. Verizon has been hounding me to upgrade for a couple years because the service plan I have isn't one they offer anymore. If they get me to fundamentally change plans, they don't have to offer me as much money toward a new phone as this plan has. I hate it when companies make your life more difficult to get more money out of you.

The only way that they can get me to switch is by confusing me on the phone. I don't want to upgrade by phone. I need to see all my options laid out in front of me. Every time I've upgraded on the phone it has turned into a giant mess and I end up without a service that I want or with one that I don't. Why make it so difficult?? Two months ago I could upgrade online no problem. ARGH! And I need to do this fast so I can continue my job search.

Moods

Yesterday I was down all day. I didn't leave my house until 7 pm, when I was meeting my ex to study. I am realizing quite how upsetting getting retested was for me. There were such mixed feelings. I want to test well. I want to perform really well. But I also want to have a validation that there was a specific reason that I have the challenges I have. Otherwise I fall back into self-criticism, which isn't useful. Will this testing be useful? I hope so. The more I think about it, the more I wish I were diagnosed at a young age. I have some vivid painful memories of teachers telling me to try harder, that I could make it neat, make it pretty, put it together right, and I just couldn't.

There was one particular chemistry teacher I had who pulled me aside after class to ream me out for having turned in messy work. This was work that I had stayed up until two painfully typing (this was before typing was the norm) so it would be readable and I redid the graphs so many times so it would be neat. But it just wasn't able, no matter how many times I tried. I remember leaving class and trying not to cry.

There were other episodes, in other classes. People just don't get that while you can be smart in many ways, it may be beyond their capabilities to figure out how to center something on a page and plan it out. To hear again and again that I wasn't trying, that I could fit in if I wanted to, that they didn't understand why I wouldn't bring papers home, start projects earlier, just do my math homework, etc. You start doubting yourself, you label yourself, it's not healthy. Honestly, it has been really hard. I try, so hard, all the time, and it isn't seen because what I have to try at is what comes naturally to others and what they have to try at, comes easily to me.

So because I was so down yesterday (and let me tell you that job hunting in a tough market is adding to it. Any nurse managers out there looking for someone? Especially someone with a fair amount of experience in thoracic surgery/pulmonary medicine? Drop me a comment.) I called my therapist and made an extra appointment. I've been going every two weeks, but the past couple of weeks I've gone every week. This week I was going to go back to every two weeks, but I don't think it is such a good idea.